Adrift

It has been just over four months since my husband died.  It's difficult to fathom where I'm supposed to go next, what I'm supposed to do, what future if any I might have.  I'm going to try to write things here in my blog, mainly to sort out my feelings, keep track of things.  It still seems wrong that I'm here, that I'm alive when he is not.  We always said we must die together, because how else could we bear it?  And yet here I am, and I'm trying to believe there is a reason.

Me, my grief, and this blog, are like to be a mess. Dark, not always linear, not always getting better, and not able to make promises. 

I feel like my path must inevitably be drawn to the dead, to those death aspects of Dionysos, and to forging whatever relationship I can with my beloved.  But where to begin?  I am not particularly sensitive, I am not a spirit-worker.  I feel paralyzed, sometimes with grief and sometimes with simply not-knowing.  I know the only cure for paralysis is to move, but I am struggling with even being okay with quiet spaces and with my own thoughts.  People keep telling me to go easy on myself, to be gentle, to give it time... Yes, yes, that is well and good BUT don't you see?  If I go too easy on myself then I'm just going to give up, because that's sure as hell a lot easier than this "trying" shit.

I pray for dreams of him, and they do not come.
I pray for guidance from the gods, and either it does not come, or I am a poor receiver for it.

But I shouldn't say that.  I *have* had some omens, strong ones at that, that have brought me some peace.  I will write of those when I'm ready.

Some days are almost okay.  Some days are not.  So there it is.