Heart Protected, Muses Neglected

I am a daydreamer.  I daydream scenarios both good and bad, impossible and probable.  I've been trying to master this more, particularly the negative ones, for I know part of it stems from my need to feel in control by working through all possible situations ahead of time.  (That whole statement doesn't work does it?  Damn.  Back to square one.  Well let's just say I'm trying to be more aware of how I focus my energy.)  Nevertheless, the more constructive daydreams become, essentially, a conversation with myself.  Sometimes they are illuminating ones, as far as facing my own fears and motivations goes.

In this way, I realized today (not for the first time) that I am holding back.  I am afraid of simply being happy sometimes, of letting go and appreciating the moment.  This manifests in particular ways, ways that are fucking sneaky sometimes... where I can easily justify to myself that I am simply being practical or protecting my heart.  But those are just excuses. The past is no excuse either, even less so.

How simple it is to be sad, to surrender, risk nothing.

I would have said this holding back has only been occasional and I've been fine on the whole, except for one thing that struck me today: I have not written any poetry in months.

I can't even remember the last.  Sometime before October?  Perhaps even longer ago than I think.  To me, this is very significant: both the fact itself and that it took me so long to take note.

I DO remember having ideas and being in poetic moods.  I have had no shortage of inspiration and experiences to draw from.  I also remember, further back along this time-line, thinking "I don't have the heart to write right now..."  And slowly that excuse morphed into something else, this vaguest sense of bottling up and redirecting, that I did without even thinking about it.

I don't think this is a wall I can batter down between phone calls at work, but it's a wall I don't want to ignore anymore either.  The more I think about it the more I see other ways it's manifesting.

For instance, last Thursday was the day I had planned my devotional day for the Muses.  It coincided, coincidentally, with a lecture at the art museum that I wanted to see about "goddesses" (talented actresses) in the golden age of film.  This is a topic I am both interested in and know little about, so it was very enjoyable.  That was followed by a walk around the art museum to see some favorite pieces and sections.  All in all, a lovely day, and very much in line with their realm. 

However, I must admit that my last 2 devotional days for the Muses included no actual creative work done by myself, which I would have thought would be my main focus on these days. 

Not to mention that I'm a musician whose instruments are no doubt feeling seriously neglected of late. 

That probably sounds like a morose note to end on, but hey, I'm a fan of the minor keys.  One way or another, it's time for a time out, for barrier-breaking and becoming creative again.